


I Know, I Know, I Know

by Anw



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, I'm so sorry, Implied Sexual Content, Songfic, i wrote this instead of coping, this is entirely self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:22:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26180335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anw/pseuds/Anw
Summary: She hates the way the apartment that feels too big, too empty when Katya first leaves starts to feel normal to her the longer she’s alone. She hates that her daily routine that at first is thrown off track goes from feeling empty without the need to dance around someone else to feeling normal and natural, as if it’s always just been her. Most of all she hates that not talking to Katya starts to hurt less and less.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	I Know, I Know, I Know

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is a song fic based off of the song _I Know I Know I Know_ by Tegan and Sara, you don't need to know the song to understand what is happening, but I do recommend listening to it to get the vibe. All of the song lyrics are written in italics. Full disclosure, this is probably the worst thing I've written, and I'm sorry for that, but I wrote this as a way of coping with being homesick and I'm sharing it because why not.
> 
> Thank you as always to [FarrahGone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FarrahGone) for reading this over, encouraging me, and cheering me on, you are the best and I love you endlessly my angel!

_From hundreds of miles, yeah, you cry like a baby_

_You plead with me, shout, scream_

_Tell me I'm staying_

_I know, I know, I know_

_I'm still your love_

This happens every time. Katya goes off to another city, another state, another country, and leaves Trixie alone in the apartment that they share. It always starts to feel less _theirs_ and more _hers_ in Katya’s absence. It never hurts any less. She hates the way the apartment that feels too big, too empty when Katya first leaves starts to feel normal to her the longer she’s alone. She hates that her daily routine that at first is thrown off track goes from feeling empty without the need to dance around someone else to feeling normal and natural, as if it’s always just been her. Most of all she hates that not talking to Katya starts to hurt less and less.

Every time, she wonders if this is the trip that Katya won’t come back from. She knows her girlfriend, they’ve been together for years, and she knows how restless she is in every aspect of her life. She knows that she has the constant urge to move around, go from place to place, it’s what she’s always dreamt of and it’s why she loves to go on tour so much. But everytime Trixie has to watch her go, she wonders if it will be the last time, if Katya will finally find a place she wants to settle down and that it won’t be here, that it won’t be with Trixie.

They go months at a time without seeing each other, and every time Trixie starts to feel the emptiness of her situation grow again, she calls Katya. They have the same conversation they always do. Katya excitedly tells Trixie all of the things she’s done, even though she texts updates to Trixie regularly, and Trixie tries to be happy for her, tries to listen to her talk and tell her she’s proud of her, because she is, she is so proud of everything that her girlfriend has achieved, but Katya can always tell that Trixie is biting her tongue about something, that she’s holding back. When Katya asks, Trixie tells her how much she hates that she’s always gone, how she hates being left alone, she yells at her, screams that she has to stay, and she cries because hearing her voice isn’t enough, she needs to be able to feel her, to know that she’s tangible again.

“I know,” Katya says, “I know, I know.” She tries to reassure Trixie, tells her that she’ll be home soon, that it’s just a little while longer, reminds her that they’ve been through this before, but it never makes Trixie feel any better.

Trixie just listens to her reassurances, cries, says, “I love you,” and hangs up, feeling the emptiness of the apartment again, and hoping against hope that Katya will come home and just stay still for a while, choose to stay with Trixie for once.

_Back from the last place that I wanted to fake_

_You laugh with me, shout, scream_

_Now tell me you're staying_

_I know, I know, I know_

_You're still my love_

Katya is finally back home. She isn’t staying for long, there’s a break between the two legs of her tour and she’s using the five day gap to return home, return to Trixie, and reassure her that she’s still there, still in this.

Katya wishes that she wanted to be here more, she wishes she didn’t have an urge that burns so hot it hurts that makes her want to leave, to never stay anywhere for too long, she wishes that she could love it here, to be able to stay with Trixie and give her the life she wants, the life she deserves. But she just can’t seem to stay still. She tells Trixie that she’ll stop one day, that this will be her last tour, or that she won’t be away as long, that she’ll be home more, and she feels guilty for knowing that it’s not true, that she can’t keep her promise, that she won’t be able to stay with Trixie for very long before she has the urge to leave again and inevitably gives into it.

When she opens the door and calls out for Trixie, the taller blonde comes barreling toward the front door, wrapping Katya up in a tight hug, forcing her to drop her bags to the floor, and pulls her into the apartment. She kisses her all over her face, her cheeks, her forehead, her lips, and she whispers how much she missed her, how much she loves her between each one. Katya’s face can’t stop the smile that blooms on her features, and she giggles at the feeling of Trixie’s lips all over her. She squeezes Trixie back, tells her she missed her too, and they hold each other in the entryway, glad to be able to touch each other again.

The next four days are amazing. They talk, laugh, fuck, enjoy being together again for the first time in over a month. They get reacquainted with living together, loving each other, being in each other’s space. Trixie doesn’t stop smiling the entire time, she’s thrilled to finally have Katya in her presence again, she doesn’t go more than a few seconds without some part of her touching Katya. They sleep entwined together, it’s as if letting each other go will make this less real, like they’ll wake up and it will have been a dream unless they can anchor each other, tether themselves to this reality. Katya loves how needy Trixie always is when she gets home, how she’ll whine when Katya has to get up to go anywhere, even just to pee, how she gives Katya her undivided attention, letting her ramble on about anything, and she loves the way that Trixie is insatiable, it’s almost hard to keep up with her, she keens under Katya’s touch let’s her fuck her again and again, and still wants more. It’s hot, Katya loves that Trixie wants her, that she saves up her want while Katya is gone, lets it all build up until she can’t take it anymore.

But on her last day at home, it starts to fall apart. The cracks in their relationship start to show, and they’re screaming again. Trixie is screaming at her to just stay, begging her not to leave again, asking why she isn’t enough to make her stay. Katya cries, she yells back, tells Trixie she can’t, that she needs to go, and begs and begs Trixie to stay, to wait for her, even if she knows it’s unfair. And Trixie will cry too, but she’ll hug Katya tightly, just like she did when she first got home, and she’ll let her tears wet Katya’s neck and she tells her she’ll stay, that she loves her and she’ll stay, wait for her, and Katya just holds her and hopes that she’s telling the truth.

_The same as I love you_

_You'll always love me too_

_This love isn't good unless_

_It's me and you_

At some point it becomes too much. Katya leaves one too many times, she forgets to call Trixie for one too many days in a row, Trixie spends one too many nights in bed alone. It’s not sustainable, not anymore. Trixie can’t keep going like this, she just can’t. She can feel the loneliness deep in her stomach, sitting there like a stone and weighing her down, making it hard to drag herself through each day.

The ghost of their relationship is haunting her, following her around and reminding her of the days when Katya had no choice but to stay. When she wasn’t yet famous enough to be travelling like she does now. She remembers how they spent every moment together, dreaming about places they could go while wrapped up together. She hates that she’s grown to resent Katya’s success. She’s proud of her for achieving her dreams, but there’s a part of her that wishes she wouldn’t have, just so they could have remained together, and she knows that it’s selfish to think that, but she can’t help it.

The distance between them makes her feel like she’s getting over Katya before they’ve even broken up, like she’s moving on while they’re still together and she feels guilty for it and even more guilty that she blames Katya for the way she feels. She can’t shake the feeling and it’s making her hate herself, and resent Katya.

They break up on an ordinary day. Katya calls her for the first time in a week. It’s the first time they’ve talked besides the sporadic texts Katya sends her at random hours of the day, that have become less frequent the longer she’s been gone. Trixie can barely find anything to say to her, she feels defeated. She tells Katya that she can’t do this anymore and she wants Katya to cry, to scream, to tell her to stay, to fight for her, for them, but all she gets is a resigned sigh, a mumbled, “okay,” as if Katya had been expecting it. She cries for hours after, mourning the loss of something that was only making her miserable and feeling stupid for it.

She’s still in their apartment, there was no point in moving, Katya never lived there much anyway. She texted Katya to ask if she was going to get her stuff and Katya told her to just throw it away. Trixie put it all in a box and put it in their, <i>her<i>, storage locker, just in case Katya changes her mind.

She tries to move on. She goes on dates, but mostly just ends up fucking them and going home to sleep in her own bed. Nobody makes her feel anything, not the way Katya did. She fills her nights with meaningless sex, hoping that she’ll find someone, anyone, that will make her feel even a fraction of an emotion, but it’s pointless. She misses Katya, misses her warmth and her familiarity, misses the way that she can make her laugh like nobody else, misses the way she fucks her like it’s the last thing she’s ever going to do, misses the way that they can exist together so easily, how they just seem to fit together. She misses her and she still loves her. She can’t ever love anyone the way she loves her.

_Box after box and you're still by my side_

_The weather is changing_

_And breaking my stride_

_Well, I know, I know, I know_

_It's just this day_

They don’t stay apart long. Something in the universe keeps pushing them back together, and they can’t help but be pulled along by it. Katya apologizes, tells Trixie she wants to try again, try harder to be there more, that breaking up made her realize what she was giving up on when she wasn’t home.

Trixie forgives her, she can’t not, and she tells her she wants to try too. That she wants to be with Katya even if they aren’t together physically, not having her at all was worse than not having her at home and she can’t do that again. They will make it work.

Katya moves back home for the winter. She doesn’t like to be on tour during the winter, she hates being on the road in a big bus when there’s ice on the roads, it makes her anxious. Besides, she always prefers performing outdoors where she can feel connected to the earth anyway.

They spend the winter together, rebuilding their relationship, making it stronger so it won’t crumble again when they inevitably have to part again. They relearn what it means to live together and they revel in the months that they have ahead of them when they can exist together as a unit again. The winter feels endless, it snows and snows, and they stay at home, keep warm in all the ways they know how, and their life feels like a snowglobe. Like their whole world is just them, living in a glass dome, snow gently falling around them while they stay still. It’s peaceful, and they’re both hoping it will stay that way, that their world won’t shatter again.

_House after house, just like car after car_

_You see club after club_

_And it all seems so far_

_I know, I know, I know_

_What else are we here for?_

_The same as I love you_

_You'll always love me too_

_This love isn't good unless_

_It's me and you_

Katya is set to go back on tour. It’s looming over them, threatening to break the tentative foundation they’ve only just managed to rebuild. They don’t talk about it much, they leave it in the corner of the room with them each day and each night, never looking at it directly. Trixie knows she can’t expect her to stop touring, it’s her job, her passion, her life, and she can’t expect Katya to throw it away just for her, it would be more selfish than Trixie is willing to be.

When Katya finally brings it up, forces them to confront it, Trixie has already made a decision. She tells Katya she wants to go with her, that she wants to join her on her tour. Katya is shocked, stunned that Trixie is willing to drop everything, leave her life behind, just to go with her. Trixie tells her that when she’s gone she’s hardly living, that she wants to be with Katya, and she wants to see what it is that Katya can’t seem to give up.

So they go on tour together. It’s difficult at first. Katya isn’t used to having someone there that holds her accountable for things. Trixie worries about how hard Katya pushes herself, makes her stop sometimes to eat when she notices Katya’s hands starting to shake, and her legs starting to wobble. They try to find a balance where Trixie doesn’t have to worry so much and Katya doesn’t have to feel like she’s being suffocated. It’s hard but they make it work.

Trixie sees parts of the world that she’s never seen before, and she starts to see why Katya loves this. She loves to watch Katya perform, to see the way she lights up on stage and the way she’s energized by the audience’s attention. She loves how the adrenaline makes Katya impossibly more attentive in bed, how she fucks Trixie better than she ever has before with all the energy she gets from performing. They make it work and they have fun, their relationship strengthens just a little more, becomes something they both feel a bit more confident in.

_Stick your hands inside of my pockets_

_Keep them warm while I'm still here_

_Tell them this love hasn't changed me_

_Hasn't changed me at all_

Eventually Trixie has to leave. She can’t keep following Katya around. She loves her, she loves to watch her, she loves to be with her, but she feels a new emptiness in her, she isn’t doing anything to fulfill herself, she’s just following her girlfriend around, existing only for her. She’s glad that she went, that she saw what has Katya so enamored, that she was able to experience so many new places, and that they were able to rebuild their relationship back to a place where it’s stronger, even stronger than before, but she needs to leave if she wants to be her own person again.

She’s scared that their relationship will crumble if they’re apart again, but she can’t let herself be this dependent on another person. She has to leave if she’s going to be able to exist apart from Katya, and she just hopes that they will manage to still make things work when the distance is back between them. She has more confidence this time around.

They’re back home together, there’s a break between legs of the tour again, and when it resumes, Trixie isn’t going back. They spend those few days practically joined at the hip. There’s never a moment where they aren’t in some way touching each other, they’re savoring every moment they have left, making sure that they will be strong still when they’re both on their own again.

When Katya leaves, Trixie feels lost, it’s been so long since she has lived her own life, and she doesn’t know what to do with herself. She finds ways to busy herself, looking for a new job to occupy her time. She gets in contact with her friends, arranges to meet with them so she isn’t always alone. She misses Katya, but it’s no longer all consuming, she knows what Katya is doing while she’s gone now, knows it’s where she belongs, and she knows that she will come home again, that they will be okay.

Katya has a hard time returning to tour. She feels like something is missing, she knows what it is, but she knows she can’t fix it. She wonders how she ever did this without Trixie before. How she managed to not feel the loneliness and longing for her girlfriend that is consuming her now. She tries to make herself feel the way she used to, to be excited at the constant moving around, the constant performing, the constant screaming of her fans that she used to gain so much energy from, but she finds herself counting down the days until she sees Trixie again instead. She wonders when she started caring more about Trixie than she cares about her job, when exactly she changed.

_Last night I was writing about you_

_I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you_

_I know, I know, I know_

_You're still my love_

Katya hasn’t been sleeping much. Her bed on the tour bus feels cold and empty now, and she can’t seem to fall asleep alone. She spends her nights writing, pouring her feelings into art, and every song ends up being about Trixie.

She misses her, wants her to come back, but knows that Trixie can’t do that. She can’t let Trixie be a groupie when she’s so impressive on her own. She writes love songs, sweet, tender and loving, pours all of her affection into them since she can’t give it to Trixie right now. She writes slow, sad ballads, the lyrics stained with her tears as she tries to fill the aching in her chest with a song to no avail. She writes fast, angry songs, puts the frustration of being apart into them, the anger she has that her lifestyle and Trixie’s just don’t match up. She writes song after song, feels emotions stronger than she’s ever felt in her life, she doesn’t sleep, and finally she gives up.

_I wake up to the sound of you working_

_You're one room right over_

_You're stressing and loving me_

_I know, I know, I know_

_Be still my love_

Katya moves back home. She suspends the rest of her tour, apologizes and tells her fans that she couldn’t keep going, that she had to focus on her mental health for a while. She stopped sleeping, could hardly function anymore, and she screwed up so many shows, she stopped eating somewhere along the line too when she didn’t have Trixie looking after her anymore and she lost an alarming amount of weight, she started neglecting herself, consumed by her thoughts and her desire to just be with Trixie again.

So she took a step back, she doesn’t know when or if she’ll be able to go back, but she’s glad to be home, to feel her sanity start to come back. Trixie is happy to have her home, but she’s also worried. She tries to hide it, but Katya can tell. Trixie makes sure to cook an abundance of every meal so that they have leftovers, makes sure Katya knows that they’re in the fridge so that she will eat when Trixie goes to work. Katya tries her best to make herself eat, if only to soothe Trixie’s worries. She tries to get herself back to a place where she feels human again, but it’s hard to pull herself out of.

Trixie continues worrying about Katya, she worries about her health, about her mental state, about how she doesn’t ever leave the house anymore. She tries to be there for her, to get her to talk about what’s going on in her head, but Katya needs to come back on her own. She can’t make her better, she just has to wait, love her, and be there. So she waits, and she makes sure Katya eats and showers, she kisses her gently, rubs her shoulders, holds her at night, and makes sure she knows that she’s safe, loved, and protected.

_The same as I love you_

_You'll always love me too_

_This love isn't good unless_

_It's me and you_

_Stick your hands inside of my pockets_

_Keep them warm while I'm still here_

_Tell them this love hasn't changed me_

_Hasn't changed me at all_

_Stick your heart inside of my chest_

_Keep it warm here while we rest_

_Tell them this love hasn't changed me_

_Hasn't changed me at all_

_The same as I love you_

_You'll always love me too_

_This love isn't good unless_

_It's me and you_

_(2x)_

Katya doesn’t go on tour much anymore. Sometimes in the summer she’ll do a few shows just to placate her fans and because she still loves it in some ways, but she never goes away for months at a time like she used to. She can’t stand to be apart from Trixie for that long anymore. She’s getting older anyway, she’s ready to settle down, there isn’t a need for her to keep performing, she’s established enough to live off of just her recorded music. She writes for other people now too, doesn’t feel pressure to make every song she writes anymore.

She’s found a peace that she hasn’t ever felt before, she loves her new house, loves how quiet it is, how she doesn’t feel the constant need to run, or party, or be reckless. She loves the life they’ve built together, loves that she gets to call Trixie her wife now, that every morning she gets to wake up in her wife’s arm, roll over to give her a wet morning kiss, watch her make breakfast from her seat on their counters, and enjoy her peaceful life with Trixie.

She never thought she would be able to stay in one place, but she never expected to find someone that she loves half as much as she loves Trixie. She never thought she would find someone that would make her want to sit still, but she wants to grow old with Trixie, wants to stay still with her, to be able to have endless mornings of waking Trixie up slowly, gently kissing down her body and smiling when Trixie whines, says good morning in her groggy morning voice as Katya eats her out slowly. Loving Trixie has changed her, but she isn’t scared by it anymore, loving Trixie calmed her down, made her a more peaceful person, made her feel like there’s a place where she fits, where she’s allowed to stay still, where there isn’t a pressure to be anything other than herself. She’s so full up of love now that she doesn’t need to keep searching for something she can’t grasp anymore, she has everything she could ever need or want right here.

Trixie has found her place too. She doesn’t tether her entire life and worth to Katya anymore, she has a career, friends, hobbies, outside of Katya. She can be apart from her for a week when Katya travels every once in a while or when she has to travel somewhere for her own work. Their relationship is strong, solid, it’s no longer at risk or breaking and she’s so grateful for everything they’ve built, that they didn’t give up on each other. She knows that they’re better together, that they balance each other out and make each other better. She can’t imagine her life without Katya in it. She knows that love isn’t good unless it’s them.

Trixie loves being able to watch her wife everyday, she loves to see how much she’s grown, settled down, become a person capable of living within herself. She’s so proud of her too, she’s successful, established, and happy. Their time together doesn’t feel like it’s running out anymore, they aren’t as desperate to be constantly near each other anymore, it’s taken away that urgency, but Trixie is still so unbelievably in love with Katya that sometimes she can’t tear her lips away from her all day, always planting kisses on whatever body part is nearest. She revels in the fact that every night she gets to crawl into bed, hold her wife, and drift off to sleep with the knowledge that they get to do it all over again tomorrow, the next day, the day after that, and hundreds and hundreds more after that. Their love has calmed down, become something more gentle but far more fulfilling, she loves Katya, and Katya loves her back.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, and if you happen to be in the overlap of the RPDR and Tegan and Sara fandoms, please come talk to me on tumblr [@dykegoblins!](https://tumblr.com/blog/dykegoblins)


End file.
